"Play Well"

I have a geometric thing. Geometry was my worst math subject, but that's not what I mean. I draw things in my mind. Lines across rooms... from corner to corner. I love to make triangles in my mind. The squares created by sidewalks... I make a big X in the middle of them and then I walk inside the triangles my mind creates. I was at a restaurant at closing time and they were mopping the floor. They would stack the chairs on top of the tables, one upside down on top of the other that was right side up. They made a perfect rectangle. It was so pleasing. I love the game Tetris. I love making those lines and trying to fill in all the wholes.

I do have a point to all of this. I think that this geo-thing that I have is the reason I SO love Legos!!! This was not always the case. We got Legos for Mac when he was, I believe, three years old. I didn't think much about them at that time. For Christmas a year or two later, we gave him a Lego creator set. Those are the ones that have something specific you can build. It was a car kit. That one I LOVED. I became obsessed. There were several cars to build and I built them all (for Mac, of course!) and then I started creating my own. Ella wanted all the same cars as Mac got, and there just weren't enough pieces for two of each, so I caved and bought Ella the same set! This was secretly a thrill for me! It doubled my cool car parts! So, we built happily for a while with what we had.

My brothers both had lots of Legos as kids. After they decided they were too grown up for them, my mom put them in her save-it-for-the-grandkids box. Then the grandkids started playing with them and she went crazy. She would find Legos all over the house. She decided that she didn't want them anymore and asked if we did. Yay!!! We now have a HUGE Lego collection! (not as big as Whipples, but big enough!)

Needless to say, my geometric obsession is satiated by building Legos and my kids think that's the greatest! Here are some of our creations! (and Rohan in his knight hood!)



And FYI... from Wikipedia-
The company name Lego was coined by [Ole Kirk] Christiansen from the Danish phrase leg godt, which means "play well". The name could also be interpreted as "I put together" or "I assemble" in Latin, though this would be a somewhat forced application of the general sense "I collect; I gather; I learn"; the word is most used in the derived sense, "I read". The cognate Greek verb "λέγω" or "lego" also means "gather, pick up", but this can include constructing a stone wall.[1]

The Lego Group's motto is "Only the best is good enough", translated from the Danish phrase, Det bedste er ikke for godt. This motto was created by Ole Kirk to encourage his employees never to skimp on quality, a value he believed in strongly. The motto is still used within the company today.

In Process....

OK... this is a very interesting process for me. If you want the whole story and you're just joining our "broadcast" you may want to read my first post on this subject called Food For Thought, and then read the comments, and then read the next post up called "I am" and the comments...

This is very exciting to me. First of all, Maria... I hope you don't mind, but as you are the catalyst for this process, I am going to be referring to you.

Here's what I've noticed about ME: I wrote the post "Food For Thought" and was excited to share something I thought was cool. Maria, my great new friend who is teaching me a lot about myself (whether she knows it or not), made some comments. I read her comments and my "ego" (as described by Eckart Tolle... GET THE BOOK!) or my "harsh inner voice" cringed and said... "Yep, see that's what happens when you say anything! Your friends think you're a retard and you ARE!!! You don't have a voice in this world and you are wrong! You should just delete this post!" (I know Maria, likely, didn't think any of that. That's just how I have operated my whole life) There are many mean things that that stupid voice said to me in those few seconds in which I read a few comments from a well meaning friend who loves discussion. (run-on sentence, I know...) Weird? Maybe so, but that's been my way, which has been fairly unconscious most of my life. I have only recently even heard the voice in my conscious mind.

So... in my way, I tried to "fix" things. That's what I do. (or have done in the past) I posted a new post trying to clarify what I meant, and make myself feel less retarded. Well, my friends, let me tell you what happened. I read and wrote and wrote some more. While doing that I clarified my own beliefs in my own heart. I felt good about what I wrote about.

Then, I check back in a little while. More comments from my friend Maria. But this time, because I was more clarified in what was truth for me... I didn't feel so vulnerable. I read her comments and the voice was not so loud. It did speak, and I heard it and didn't listen much. I was able to read her comments more objectively. I thought about replying to the comments, but I wasn't ready. I have thought on it all day and here's what I have discovered!!! I am so excited about this!

Maria posted this: I disagree with you though on one point. I think we are the collection of our experiences. Why else did we submit to a mortal probation. If we were perfect before we came, we would have no need of a testing ground here in order to achieve exaltation.

I thought about this as I was in the shower (best thinking place on earth). Firstly, I didn't say I was perfect before I came here. I only said that I was already who "I am" when I arrived. I believe that I came here as "ME" and that the submission to mortal probation is a necessary step.

In the shower, I thought about things from my past. My "ego" told me that Maria was right, (because it always tells me that I am wrong...) and that my past experiences do define who I am. I thought about that for a little bit. I thought about some of the things from my past. I started bawling as I tried to reconcile that those experiences ARE who I AM. I beat my fist against the tile as I cried out loud. I AM NOT MY MOTHER LOSING HER TEMPER. I AM NOT THOSE GIRLS IN SIXTH GRADE TELLING ME MY HAIR LOOKED LIKE A RAT'S NEST. I AM NOT MY SISTER SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS THAT SHE HATED ME. I AM NOT THE TATTLE TALE LITTLE SISTER WHO'S BROTHER COULDN'T STAND HER. In those moments, crying in the shower, I learned that that is truth for me, and I know it from the bottom of my heart. My past experiences are my map for growth, but, I say again, who "I am" is not the collective of those experiences. Even the good experiences. I believe I CHOSE these lessons, in the same way, I believe, we choose our families. These are the only the lessons that "I" needed, and that is why they are in my past but they do NOT define "me", unless I let them. It is a choice... and THAT is what separates us from the rest of the creatures on this earth - choice.

Maria also said: And as for the voices, there are many trying to infiltrate our sense of worth and value. We need to trust our own inner voice, which if we believe in a Heavenly Father, is the resonation of His voice as well. We can't shut out all the voices, just the unimportant ones.

This is something I agree with wholeheartedly. The chatter in my mind comes mostly from that crappy voice that doesn't serve me in any good way... except to be the dark so I can know the light. And for that, I am grateful.

It has been such a blessing to have Maria leave her comments. Iron sharpens iron. Because of her input, I have been able to solidify what I believe. So, thanks Maria... Here's to future "discussions"!

"I am"

In my previous post, while I was fascinated by a statement from A New Earth, I believe I posted it a little preemptively. As I read further, I realized that I took it out of context. I don't know that I can make it make sense concisely, but I will make the effort, concise or not...

The very next paragraph (after the one I posted) says-

'The word "I" embodies the greatest error and the deepest truth, depending on how it is used. In conventional usage, it is not only one of the most frequently used words in the language (together with the related words: "me", "my", "mine", and "myself") but also one of the most misleading. In normal everyday usage, "I" embodies the primordial error, a misperception of who you are, and illusory sense of identity. This is the ego.....

[I am skipping a bit here]

What you usually refer to when you say "I" is not who you are. By a monstrous act of reductionism, the infinite depth of who you are is confused with a sound produced by the vocal cords or the thought of "I" in your mind and whatever the "I" has identified with. So what do the usual "I" and the related "me", "my", or "mine" refer to?

When a young child learns that a sequence of sounds produced by the parents' vocal cords is his or her name, the child begins to equate a word, which in the mind becomes a thought, with who he or she is. At that stage some children refer to themselves in the third person. "Johnny is hungry". Soon after, they learn the magic word "I" and equate it with their name, which they have already equated with who they are. Then other thoughts come and merge with the origianl I-thought. The next step are thoughts of me and mine to designate things that are somehow part of "I". This is identification with objects, which means investing things, but ultimately thoughts that represent things, with a sense of self, thereby deriving an identity from them. When "my" toy breaks or is taken away, intense suffering arises. Not because of any intrinsic value that the toy has- the child will soon lose interest in it, and it will be replaced by other toys, other objects- but becasue of the thought of "mine". The toy became part of the child"s developing sense of self, of "I".

And so as the child grows up, the original I-thought attracts other thoughts to itself: It becomes identified with a gender, possessions, the sense-perceived body, a nationality, race, religion, profession. Other things the "I" identifies with are roles - mother, father, husband, wife, and so on - accumulated knowledge or opinions, likes and dislikes, and also things that happened to "me" in the past, the memory of which are thoughts that further define my sense of self as "me and my story". These are only some of the things people derive their sense of identity from. They are ultimately no more than thought held together precariously by the fact that they are all invested with a sense of self. This mental construct is what you normally refer to when you say "I".'

There is so much more beyond that... but in the interest of trying to be somewhat concise, I will stop there. Just FYI... beyond that he does allow that he is not saying that any of this is good or bad, it is just the ego. It is simply the structure of it and how it gets created, which I completely agree with. If this interests you in any way, get the book and read it, and then we can discuss it, each with our own interpretation and understanding of what is being said! :)

So, in my previous post "Food For Thought", the main part I was fascinated by was the part I bold-typed. Do you believe some combination of such basic sounds could ever explain who you are? I was, in no way, negating words. I love words. I love to read them and I love to write them. I am passionate about putting them together in a way that is pleasing. But I am also starting to understand that the words that flow through my head... the constant chatter I hear... the harsh voice that pummels me when I feel inadequate (which is most of the time)... is NOT who "I" am. That is just my past. That is just the combination of circumstances that has helped shape me and give me the experiences I need for growth, but who "I am" is not the collective of those experiences. I came to this earth who "I am". I was a unique individual the second I took a breath (and even before that!). I hadn't had any of those experiences that I "think" define me, yet I was still who I AM. "I am" a piece of God. I have Him in my spiritual genetic makeup and that is what I am figuring out how to access. And to do that, I have to tell that chatter to SHUT UP sometimes. I can't hear who I really am when all that chatter is going on.

So... it's all a process. I certainly haven't even come close to "figuring out" what I am trying to explain here, but there is an awareness there which is the first step and opens doors to learn more.

I don't even know if I am making sense, here. I can't tell you how it terrifies me to think of publishing this post. That is one of those fears that my "ego" screams at me about. It tells me that I am an idiot to think I have a "voice" in this world. And to that, I am learning to say, "SHUT UP!"

Food For Thought...

The quicker you are in attaching verbal or mental labels to things, people, or situations, the more shallow and lifeless your reality becomes, and the more deadened you become to reality, the miracle of life that continuously unfolds within and around you. In this way, cleverness may be gained, but wisdom is lost, and so are joy, love, creativity, and aliveness. They are concealed in the still gap between the perception and the interpretation. Of course we have to use words and thoughts. They have their own beauty- but do we need to become imprisoned in them?

Words reduce reality to something the human mind can grasp, which isn't very much. Language consists of five basic sounds produced by the vocal chords. They are the vowels a, e, i, o, u. The other sounds are consonants produced by air pressure: s, f, g, and so forth. Do you believe some combination of such basic sounds could ever explain who you are, or the ultimate purpose of the universe, or even what a tree or stone is in its depth?

-Eckart Tolle, A New Earth (bold phrase emphasized by me)


And I said unto him: Lord, the Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing; for thou hast made all this people that they could speak much, because of the Holy Ghost which thou hast given them;

Ether 12: 23, Book of Mormon

I read this bit in A New Earth and was reminded of the scripture in Ether. It seems to me that this is why they talk of their "weakness in writing". How can you speak of things of the spirit with a weak "mortal" or "physical" vehicle such as words, whether written or spoken? Just some food for thought.

A Whitewashed Easter

Easter weekend was a fun and busy one for us. My sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew came up from Salt Lake. It seemed like all we did all weekend was cook, eat and then wash dishes. This was our egg hunt outside at my Mom's place. I was cooking Easter dinner with my mom and sent my sweet Dustin out to take pictures. I don't quite understand it, but for some strange reason I am the only one in our house who knows how to take pictures that turn out normal! Easter did not look quite so spooky or dreamlike (take your pick) in real life. It was sunny, but not quite that sunny! Anyway, this is all we got. I didn't even get a picture of our kids in their cute Easter clothes because I had to slip away right after church to go do choir practice! By the time I got back the kids were all changed, and I was totally and completely surprised (right) to find that Dustin had not taken their picture in their Easter duds. (I think it must be a "mom" thing!)

Anyway, it was a fun day and I will have the kids wear their Easter clothes next Sunday and snap a few photos... ;)

How Bad Do YOU Want the Cheese?

I have to say that this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen! People and their antics never cease to amaze me. A "race" to the finish "line"... the prize? A cheese wheel. You get to see the winner at the end! On your marks... get set... ROLL!

What If?

In casual conversation with a friend of mine I mentioned that I had never seen The Sound of Music. She was, to put it mildly, appalled. She took it as a personal affront that had never seen this musical and I am a "singer". The two ideas could not mix in her brain. I was simply amused by her reaction, but she took it as her personal mission to remedy this paradox. So, we set a date, and our families watched it together. I quite liked it, but after her STRONG reaction, have tried to evaluate why I had never seen this classic. Here's what I've come up with:

MOTHER'S! The influence of some mothers over their children is akin to a force of nature, like say, the pull of gravity. My mom's influence was this way for me. It was very hard for me to resist! My mom DID NOT care for musicals. I secretly liked them, but my own fears of disapproval won out and I just didn't watch them much. In my awesome Mom's defense, she has sound reason (no pun intended!) for her dislike. She always thought how silly it was that people would break out into song in the middle of a street with vendors all around or while professing your undying love. She thought it was silly and, quite frankly, I agreed... but that didn't stop me from loving the romance of it. I would sing every emotion, if I could, because it makes me feel good. Unfortunately, (or fortunately!) we can't all live in a musical. But what if we could...




And FYI... as I am now an adult, I am figuring out that I am ok with being me, and I will say it proudly - I love musicals in all their dripping cheesiness!!

Not Much To Say

Sitting here surrounded by myself.
Feeling alone and wondering why.
Screams and laughter of children trickle through the floor boards.

How to give them what they need when what I need eludes me.
Like putting together a puzzle without a finished picture to look at.
Where's the model?
What's the next step?

How Do YOU Spell Relief?

I don't know about you, but to me, RELIEF is spelled S-I-G-N-E-D C-O-N-T-R-A-C-T!


Yes, that's right. We signed a contract with our latest new tenants today!! I am so glad! This apartment has been vacant since the beginning of December. During the major cold snap in January (you know the one where it was, like, 20 below zero!!) we had the faucet running so the pipes wouldn't freeze, but the trap in the drain froze in the kitchen sink!!! So, imagine running water (well, it turned into more of a dripping than a running of water) with a frozen drain. NOT GOOD! We didn't go check on it enough and when Dustin went over there he found ice flows that went over the edge of the sink, down onto the floor and down into the basement. There were icicles hanging from the ceiling downstairs! That was NOT one of our best days of 2008!

The water ended up ruining the sub-floor under the linoleum. (wow... I guess I've never written the word linoleum... I bet I spelled it wrong 10 times before I finally googled how to spell it! weird...!) So, we had to tear up the floor and tile it. That was thrilling. So, not only did we go through all of January, February and most of March without income on this place, but we were spending money to fix the floor, run the lights, and heat the place!

Needless to say, I am feeling very content right now because someone now gets the lucky privilege of paying me to live there!!!

Getting apartments rented is GOOD!!

My Future Claim to Fame

So, my friend has made a movie! How cool is that? I can't wait to see it! Here is the trailer. Watch and then tell your friends! Get the YouTube ratings up! Spread the word! Tell EVERYONE you know!! As Rachel said, "If you don't do this within 5 seconds, you will be cursed with bad luck, bad breath, bad hair, bad attitude, badminton, bad karma, bad sex, and bad friends. While you're at it, you mind as well send all your passwords, social security numbers, account numbers and tithing to EVERYONE you know as well . . . or you must not . . . well, you get the point."