Friday, November 11, 2011

Flow of Thought... RANDOM ALERT!

Dustin and I went, a couple weeks ago, to a four day karate course.  I thought I might die... it was so hard.  My legs have never been so sore in my whole life.  


I'm doing karate again, did you know?  Did you know, in the first place, that I did karate?  When Mac was about 9 months old I started.  I practiced until he was three years old and then I stopped until about three months ago.  Dustin started this style shortly after I did and he didn't stop.  He's a black belt.  I'm an orange belt.  It's really fun and very difficult and technical.  And it makes your legs SO SO sore. 


Brynja has recently started talking more... or jabbering more.  It's the cutest thing ever. 

Pretzel season is upon us. 


We refinanced our house and I'm fairly excited that, for the same payment we've been paying, I can now pay off my house 8 years earlier.  Flippin' sweet.


Mac is taking ballroom dance.  His first performance is next week and he's excited.  But I might be more excited.  I haven't really seen him dance yet.  Today he tried on his costume.  I asked him what it looked like and he replied, "You'll see next week!"  The stinker wouldn't tell me.  And he won't show me his "moves" either.  He's excited for us to have the whole experience.  He's so cute and grown up.  ♥


My mom is healing and getting better.  She deals with tiring more easily than she used to, but she's doing quite well considering what she went through. 


I wish I could hug my grandma and stay at her house when I go to Salt Lake.  I wish I could smell the scent of her, the scent of her home and of breakfast cooking in the kitchen. 


Today a thunderhead mood rolled into my heart and I was angry for inexplicable reasons.  Then it rolled away almost as fast as it came. 


I miss writing.  Or, rather, I miss feeling that unquenchable desire to write and create beauty with words.  I miss the sated feeling I always got from it.  I want to be that girl again.


We, after 7 years of living in our house, FINALLY painted the living room.  We also installed new bamboo floors.  Loveliness. 


I had my eye on a new couch since we finished the basement and took the upstairs couch downstairs.  I eyed it and eyed it for about eight months.  I actually had the money to buy it, but kept holding off.  Then in August I found a couch at a yard sale that's SO awesome!  It's from 1966 and I love it.  Teal colored and in near perfect shape.  And guess how much I paid for it?  $10.  Yep.  I saved myself $600 on the couch and paid for new floors with it instead.  Life is grand.


Ella and Rohan have been taking piano lessons.  Rohan was a little slower to get excited about it than Ella, but his enthusiasm has been increasing as he learns.  Ella took off like a shot from the start.  They are both doing so great.  Ella started on sharps today and she couldn't stop talking about how excited she was about that fact.  Adorable.


Dustin is the best husband ever.  Still.  In fact, I think he's like fine wine... gets better with age.  He turned 38 last month.  That's two years from 40.  I can't tell you how that trips me out.  I always thought passing birthdays would be no big deal, but I'm thinking that I had no clue because I was young and getting older was still awesome back then.


Choir Christmas prep is in full swing.  Maria helped me look at my music stash today.  She's such an awesome resource and an awesome friend. 

We need to expand our karate group.  We don't know exactly how, but it needs to happen.  Anyone who lives near me want to do karate?  Let me just interject (on my own monologue?  I think interject might be the wrong word choice...) and say that when I started karate I thought doing karate was lame.  My mom was taking it and I went because I seriously needed an outlet... I felt like I was lost in a sea of diapers, baby food and baby talk.  My mom said come, so I went.  I didn't expect to like it, but to my great surprise, I did.  This is not your run-of-the-mill karate style.  It's not a style full of HI-YA's! and tension.  We work on relaxing our bodies.  Can't really explain it, but if you're local, COME try it!  You might just like it.  And it's super cheap. 


I feel a hovering sadness at the outskirts of my awareness.  It's not always there, but, like a hummingbird, it zips in and out.  I'm not sure what that's about, but I am just noticing it.  It's like it just touches on my brain and says, "Hey, I'm here." and then goes away.  It's like out of the blue I almost burst into tears for no reason at all and then just as suddenly, I'm totally normal again.  I don't get it.


I sit here and wonder at the things going on in the hearts of people... people I love, people I just know a little bit, people I know pretty well, people I don't like.  There are things going on in my heart and head all the time that no one but me has any awareness of, like that hummingbird-sadness that flits in and out.  Everyone has something like that.  Everyone is hurting or fighting some battle in their hearts, and we all just walk around and act fine.  I watch my baby Brynja move through the world and she has none of that.  If she feels sad, she cries and tells me about it in her jabber-cute way.  If she's happy, she shows it with her whole body, galloping circles of joy around the house.  If she's mad, she screams and, recently, attempts to throw her fist at something.  When does that change?  What would the world be like if we just walked around acting out what was going on in our hearts?  Expressing it with our whole bodies, like babies do?  When do we start holding everything in and stuffing it in our physical shell? 

I don't know.

And I still have a problem with dinner.  We are still not friends.

I wish I knew my grandpa better.  He's still alive and I need to make more of an effort with him.  He's an aloof man who is not easy to get to know, but I want to try.

I wish that it could be winter without being so cold.  I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for this.

The End.