Friday, November 11, 2011

Flow of Thought... RANDOM ALERT!

Dustin and I went, a couple weeks ago, to a four day karate course.  I thought I might die... it was so hard.  My legs have never been so sore in my whole life.  

I'm doing karate again, did you know?  Did you know, in the first place, that I did karate?  When Mac was about 9 months old I started.  I practiced until he was three years old and then I stopped until about three months ago.  Dustin started this style shortly after I did and he didn't stop.  He's a black belt.  I'm an orange belt.  It's really fun and very difficult and technical.  And it makes your legs SO SO sore. 

Brynja has recently started talking more... or jabbering more.  It's the cutest thing ever. 

Pretzel season is upon us. 

We refinanced our house and I'm fairly excited that, for the same payment we've been paying, I can now pay off my house 8 years earlier.  Flippin' sweet.

Mac is taking ballroom dance.  His first performance is next week and he's excited.  But I might be more excited.  I haven't really seen him dance yet.  Today he tried on his costume.  I asked him what it looked like and he replied, "You'll see next week!"  The stinker wouldn't tell me.  And he won't show me his "moves" either.  He's excited for us to have the whole experience.  He's so cute and grown up.  ♥

My mom is healing and getting better.  She deals with tiring more easily than she used to, but she's doing quite well considering what she went through. 

I wish I could hug my grandma and stay at her house when I go to Salt Lake.  I wish I could smell the scent of her, the scent of her home and of breakfast cooking in the kitchen. 

Today a thunderhead mood rolled into my heart and I was angry for inexplicable reasons.  Then it rolled away almost as fast as it came. 

I miss writing.  Or, rather, I miss feeling that unquenchable desire to write and create beauty with words.  I miss the sated feeling I always got from it.  I want to be that girl again.

We, after 7 years of living in our house, FINALLY painted the living room.  We also installed new bamboo floors.  Loveliness. 

I had my eye on a new couch since we finished the basement and took the upstairs couch downstairs.  I eyed it and eyed it for about eight months.  I actually had the money to buy it, but kept holding off.  Then in August I found a couch at a yard sale that's SO awesome!  It's from 1966 and I love it.  Teal colored and in near perfect shape.  And guess how much I paid for it?  $10.  Yep.  I saved myself $600 on the couch and paid for new floors with it instead.  Life is grand.

Ella and Rohan have been taking piano lessons.  Rohan was a little slower to get excited about it than Ella, but his enthusiasm has been increasing as he learns.  Ella took off like a shot from the start.  They are both doing so great.  Ella started on sharps today and she couldn't stop talking about how excited she was about that fact.  Adorable.

Dustin is the best husband ever.  Still.  In fact, I think he's like fine wine... gets better with age.  He turned 38 last month.  That's two years from 40.  I can't tell you how that trips me out.  I always thought passing birthdays would be no big deal, but I'm thinking that I had no clue because I was young and getting older was still awesome back then.

Choir Christmas prep is in full swing.  Maria helped me look at my music stash today.  She's such an awesome resource and an awesome friend. 

We need to expand our karate group.  We don't know exactly how, but it needs to happen.  Anyone who lives near me want to do karate?  Let me just interject (on my own monologue?  I think interject might be the wrong word choice...) and say that when I started karate I thought doing karate was lame.  My mom was taking it and I went because I seriously needed an outlet... I felt like I was lost in a sea of diapers, baby food and baby talk.  My mom said come, so I went.  I didn't expect to like it, but to my great surprise, I did.  This is not your run-of-the-mill karate style.  It's not a style full of HI-YA's! and tension.  We work on relaxing our bodies.  Can't really explain it, but if you're local, COME try it!  You might just like it.  And it's super cheap. 

I feel a hovering sadness at the outskirts of my awareness.  It's not always there, but, like a hummingbird, it zips in and out.  I'm not sure what that's about, but I am just noticing it.  It's like it just touches on my brain and says, "Hey, I'm here." and then goes away.  It's like out of the blue I almost burst into tears for no reason at all and then just as suddenly, I'm totally normal again.  I don't get it.

I sit here and wonder at the things going on in the hearts of people... people I love, people I just know a little bit, people I know pretty well, people I don't like.  There are things going on in my heart and head all the time that no one but me has any awareness of, like that hummingbird-sadness that flits in and out.  Everyone has something like that.  Everyone is hurting or fighting some battle in their hearts, and we all just walk around and act fine.  I watch my baby Brynja move through the world and she has none of that.  If she feels sad, she cries and tells me about it in her jabber-cute way.  If she's happy, she shows it with her whole body, galloping circles of joy around the house.  If she's mad, she screams and, recently, attempts to throw her fist at something.  When does that change?  What would the world be like if we just walked around acting out what was going on in our hearts?  Expressing it with our whole bodies, like babies do?  When do we start holding everything in and stuffing it in our physical shell? 

I don't know.

And I still have a problem with dinner.  We are still not friends.

I wish I knew my grandpa better.  He's still alive and I need to make more of an effort with him.  He's an aloof man who is not easy to get to know, but I want to try.

I wish that it could be winter without being so cold.  I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for this.

The End.


Lauren said...

Random, I say, is good.
Interjecting yourself, also good.
Karate, I am a fan.
I took a class when I was at BYU and loved it. Loved it. One day, I would like to try again.
So as I was sitting just NOW with my fingers on the keyboard deciding what more to type, I looked over your paragraph on people's hearts. So true. And yet I have a thought to add to that... I just now thought of it. And it was a nice thought: There is one person who knows our hearts besides ourselves. So we don't have to deal with hummingbird-sadness all alone. But I don't want to get all religious so I'll leave it at that. :)

Rachel Chick said...

These are almost my favorite kinds of posts. Random and honest. It lets me feel connected to you. I love you, Clanc.

You know, as to people's hearts - this may get lengthy. My mom recently went on a "mission" to Haiti. It was two weeks long and they were able to give medical care to some of the people there. She says that after going and seeing the problems of the people there, she realized that she doesn't have any problems. The things that we often deal with here are so trivial comparatively. As she's expressed this thought to me, it struck me that I kind of disagreed with her. I understand what she's saying, but there's something more there. It's so interesting to me that whether we're fighting for life itself or struggling against prosperity and leisure, somehow it all feels the same at times. It's a struggle for all of us to come to know God and know what He would have us do with our lives. -- To come to understand (in some small measure) His love for us and our purpose here.

That's totally a huge random "aside" from just a regular old comment, but that's what your thoughts brought to my mind. - Somewhere they are along the same lines. :)

Love you, love you. Sorry it's cold and windy there. How do I know it's windy? Because it's always windy there.

Dimick's said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dimick's said...

I should've read your blog before I came over. Your house is beautiful, your mom looks fantastic (I now see where you got your personality)& Brynja is too sweet. You've got it sista!
I love you!

Kristin said...

I love this post!!! You're amazing... I so wish we lived closer and could spend more time together.

I love that Mac is taking ballroom and so excited about his performance. That's just awesome!

I'm pretty much an open book as far as my emotions go. I have a hard time hiding them. And I think it makes people uncomfortable and, I'm guessing, may be the reason I don't have as many close friends as I'd like.

Dinner and I aren't friends either. Do you think it will ever change?

I'm so not looking forward to the doldrums that come with Winter.

I love you and wish I put into and got out of blogging what I used to too!