In Process....

OK... this is a very interesting process for me. If you want the whole story and you're just joining our "broadcast" you may want to read my first post on this subject called Food For Thought, and then read the comments, and then read the next post up called "I am" and the comments...

This is very exciting to me. First of all, Maria... I hope you don't mind, but as you are the catalyst for this process, I am going to be referring to you.

Here's what I've noticed about ME: I wrote the post "Food For Thought" and was excited to share something I thought was cool. Maria, my great new friend who is teaching me a lot about myself (whether she knows it or not), made some comments. I read her comments and my "ego" (as described by Eckart Tolle... GET THE BOOK!) or my "harsh inner voice" cringed and said... "Yep, see that's what happens when you say anything! Your friends think you're a retard and you ARE!!! You don't have a voice in this world and you are wrong! You should just delete this post!" (I know Maria, likely, didn't think any of that. That's just how I have operated my whole life) There are many mean things that that stupid voice said to me in those few seconds in which I read a few comments from a well meaning friend who loves discussion. (run-on sentence, I know...) Weird? Maybe so, but that's been my way, which has been fairly unconscious most of my life. I have only recently even heard the voice in my conscious mind.

So... in my way, I tried to "fix" things. That's what I do. (or have done in the past) I posted a new post trying to clarify what I meant, and make myself feel less retarded. Well, my friends, let me tell you what happened. I read and wrote and wrote some more. While doing that I clarified my own beliefs in my own heart. I felt good about what I wrote about.

Then, I check back in a little while. More comments from my friend Maria. But this time, because I was more clarified in what was truth for me... I didn't feel so vulnerable. I read her comments and the voice was not so loud. It did speak, and I heard it and didn't listen much. I was able to read her comments more objectively. I thought about replying to the comments, but I wasn't ready. I have thought on it all day and here's what I have discovered!!! I am so excited about this!

Maria posted this: I disagree with you though on one point. I think we are the collection of our experiences. Why else did we submit to a mortal probation. If we were perfect before we came, we would have no need of a testing ground here in order to achieve exaltation.

I thought about this as I was in the shower (best thinking place on earth). Firstly, I didn't say I was perfect before I came here. I only said that I was already who "I am" when I arrived. I believe that I came here as "ME" and that the submission to mortal probation is a necessary step.

In the shower, I thought about things from my past. My "ego" told me that Maria was right, (because it always tells me that I am wrong...) and that my past experiences do define who I am. I thought about that for a little bit. I thought about some of the things from my past. I started bawling as I tried to reconcile that those experiences ARE who I AM. I beat my fist against the tile as I cried out loud. I AM NOT MY MOTHER LOSING HER TEMPER. I AM NOT THOSE GIRLS IN SIXTH GRADE TELLING ME MY HAIR LOOKED LIKE A RAT'S NEST. I AM NOT MY SISTER SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS THAT SHE HATED ME. I AM NOT THE TATTLE TALE LITTLE SISTER WHO'S BROTHER COULDN'T STAND HER. In those moments, crying in the shower, I learned that that is truth for me, and I know it from the bottom of my heart. My past experiences are my map for growth, but, I say again, who "I am" is not the collective of those experiences. Even the good experiences. I believe I CHOSE these lessons, in the same way, I believe, we choose our families. These are the only the lessons that "I" needed, and that is why they are in my past but they do NOT define "me", unless I let them. It is a choice... and THAT is what separates us from the rest of the creatures on this earth - choice.

Maria also said: And as for the voices, there are many trying to infiltrate our sense of worth and value. We need to trust our own inner voice, which if we believe in a Heavenly Father, is the resonation of His voice as well. We can't shut out all the voices, just the unimportant ones.

This is something I agree with wholeheartedly. The chatter in my mind comes mostly from that crappy voice that doesn't serve me in any good way... except to be the dark so I can know the light. And for that, I am grateful.

It has been such a blessing to have Maria leave her comments. Iron sharpens iron. Because of her input, I have been able to solidify what I believe. So, thanks Maria... Here's to future "discussions"!

And the Floodgates Have Opened!

Okay... (deep breath)... I know I should expect this. I knew it would come someday. But now that it is nearly upon me I am panicking!

Mac was sitting on the floor of the living room. I can't remember what we were talking about, but all conversation was casual and comfortable. Out of the blue, I heard Mac quietly say, "I think that Mom is Santa Claus too." His little sister was sitting right there in the same room with us, and I couldn't help but shoot him a look that said 'Put a lid on it!!!'. I didn't outright acknowledge what he said, but I'm thinking my look said it all. "Don't tell your sister what you're sharp little brain has figured out correctly!" was, in essence, what I said with that one brief look.

The tooth fairy revelation has now made him question everything. The floodgates are open in the mind of my seven and a half year old. He's no dummy, and I thought this would happen after I told him who the stinkin' tooth fairy was. I am trying to decide if I should tell him, 'No, I'm not Santa Claus.' (It's Dustin who makes the money to buy all the presents Santa brings!) It feels more magical for me to have them believe.

Or should I tell him and hope he won't tell my sweet Ella? Should I just hope he'll give her a few more years of Santa Magic? I don't know what to do! Input would be appreciated!!!

You wanna know the weirdest part? When I first gave birth to this precious boy, I didn't want to have Santa visit our house. I planned to tell the story of Nicholas and tell what Santa represents, and then let them know that we would be acting the part of Nicholas on Christmas Eve. I didn't want to lie to my kids. Well, I tried that when Mac was young. He believed anyway. He believed in Santa without my telling him a bit of a lie. I told him what would be happening and he still thought it was someone else coming and bringing gifts. It was a crazy thing, and so I went with it. Now that it's all coming full circle, I'm the one upset that I might have to have him NOT believe!

Ahh... the mess we get ourselves in to when we don't tell the truth!