Brynja's Story Part 1

It's been three months and eight days since my baby girl took her first breath and it's high time I tell her story as it is one that needs recording.  Childbirth is one of my very favorite topics.  I love to hear birth stories, and I love to talk about my own children's births.  Not everyone feels the same as I, so if birth is something you'd rather not talk about, or in this case, read about, please feel free to skip this post.

For whatever reason, I did not want to write much during my pregnancy.  Perhaps it's because this pregnancy was harder for me than any of my others.  I was more sick than I was with Ella and Rohan, but not as sick as I was with Mac.  Early in the pregnancy, I was so incredibly tired.  I've never been so tired in my whole life.  I was ready to go to bed at 6pm every day. 

But it wasn't just how I felt physically that made this pregnancy harder.  I feel like emotionally, or psychologically it was more difficult than ever.  For the last few years I've known there was one more person that was supposed to be in our family, but I was very comfortable in my then-current circumstances in life and I had gotten far enough past the "baby" stage of child-rearing that it was hard to want to start anew with diapers, nursing, binkies, and sleepless nights.  I honestly just wanted to be done, but my little Brynja was waiting and I knew it.  Dustin knew it too (although he always denied it).  Despite this mutual (but mostly unspoken) knowledge, years passed and the time was never right.

But then, suddenly, it was. 

And I got pregnant.

Those nine months flew by and suddenly my due date, March 12th, was here!!! ...and then it was gone.  I already wrote out some of those feelings previously.  It was such a weird time.  I had so much anxiety and yet so much detachment about having a baby.  I was scared of labor this time.  (I always am, but more so each pregnancy.)  I was anxious about how my life would change once the baby was born. And yet, it felt like it was never really going to happen.  It felt like, despite my ever-growing belly, it was not really going to happen.  I wasn't really going to have a baby!  As it turns out, I was and I did.

My due date came and went and I, relatively patiently, waited for something to happen.  But nothing was despite all the walking and various other things we tried to start labor.  I would show up to my midwife's office hoping for some progress with dilation or effacement and I was let down repeatedly.  I was dilated to 1cm and "thick".  The next week, no change.  And the next week, barely dilated to a 2 and still no effacement.  Then at almost a week over my due date I was still the same.  It was very frustrating.  Not to mention the fact that I kept thinking the baby had "dropped" because of the discomfort I was feeling and the fact that people continually told me I looked "lower" than I had been before.  But each time she'd check the head position, the baby was still floating around, easy to move, not engaged at all.  I only cried a handful of times.  

And so, on Friday, the 19th of March, I thought perhaps my water had broken.  But then I didn't know and I was left confused.  I called Helene, who is my midwife, and she said unless it's "gushing" or consistently leaking not to worry about it.  So, I didn't.  Dustin and I went and got some food that night and I was sure that the baby dropped as we were out on the town.  I was excited to go for a non-stress test the next morning at 10:00 to see if my suspicions were true.

We went to bed that night with no sign of anything happening.  I woke up at about 4am and found that my water was definitely broken and was at the "gushing" stage.  Awesome.  If you haven't had your water break, you haven't LIVED!  or something.  I've never had that happen before.  My water broke with Mac when I was in labor and dilated to 5cm, and Ella and Rohan's labors, my midwife broke my water just before they were born.  So, this was new to me.  Water breaking with no contractions?  Weird.

I figured I'd be having a baby within the next 24 or so hours, so I took a shower!  Yes, I took a shower, fixed my hair and put on some makeup at 4:30 a.m.  I was going to look "cute" in labor, I decided.  Vain?  Maybe, but I do get tired of looking like total crap in all the pictures of post-delivery so call me vain if you must.  Dustin was up with me and he showered too.  As I was fixing my face/hair, Dustin decided he was going to go back to bed for a while and try and get some sleep.  I finished my beautification and then puttered around and gathered the rest of my stuff for our hospital bag.  It was very weird to be doing that with nary a contraction.  Not even a ripple.

I got my bag all packed and it was almost 6am by that point.  I didn't want to wake my midwife up unnecessarily early so I decided to follow Dustin's example and try to get some sleep, make-up, fancy hair and all.  Into bed I climbed and I was asleep almost instantly.

Rohan woke me at 8:00 with his daily request for a bowl of cereal and the day was officially underway.  And oh, what a day it was!

I called Helene, my midwife, and told her I was "gushing" fluid and she told me to eat some breakfast and head on up to the hospital to get started on my antibiotic.  I was lucky enough to be Beta-Strep positive for the first time ever, and so I had the pleasure of an I.V. in my arm.  I had one previously with Mac, but neither Rohan nor Ella's labor did they require it of me.

I had always assumed I'd go into labor in the middle of the night, because that's what I've done every other time.  So, I had arranged for help with my other kids for the middle of the night.  I never dreamed I'd have to arrange for my children on a Saturday morning.  I made a few calls and got things arranged.  We all ate some breakfast and packed up! 

It's a very surreal feeling to leave your house with zero labor action and know the next time you come into it, you are going to have a baby in your arms.

So, we dropped our kids off at our friend's house.  Rebby wanted to take a picture of Dustin and I, on our way to have a baby.

And there we are!  Dustin and his big rarely-seen-in-pictures smile, and me, in all my round, feminine glory.  Uh huh.

And off we went.

To be continued...

Part 2

Due Date

So today is my "due date"... whatever that means.  Just thought I should jot down a few thoughts about this pregnancy, pending labor and our up-and-coming baby.

I woke up this morning at 6:50.  Dustin has been working out of town since Tuesday of this week and he often calls me right at 7:00 to wake me (just in case I don't wake to my alarm) so I can wake up Ella for school. (that's normally his role when he's home.)  But today, Ella didn't have school, so I didn't want him to call because the phone would ring which would potentially wake up the kids and I had dreams of them sleeping in.  So, I beat him to the punch and called him first.  (which, by the way, kept the kids asleep for an extra twelve minutes... hooray.)

I could tell as soon as he said hello that he had been asleep, and, today being my "due date", he said hello in a bit of a panic.  I couldn't believe I woke my husband up from a dead sleep at 6:50 a.m!  He's ALWAYS awake by then.  He's what you might call a morning person.  (huge understatement)  I assured him that I was not in labor and offered my apologies and expressions of shock that I woke him up.  And then I got off the phone and promptly fell asleep again.

During that extra bit of sleep, I had a dream that I had my baby.  It was a boy and I had it at home (but really in some sort of swimming pool... you know how dreams are).  After the birth I got up, leaving the baby in the water where it was gently floating (I wasn't worried... you know how dreams are!), and went somewhere.  I remember feeling disappointed.  Not that it was a boy, but disappointed that it was so big!  The baby looked like it was about 8 months old rather than newborn.  It could sit up and it was wearing overalls and a striped T-shirt and looked like someone else's baby that I know.  It didn't feel like my baby.

Then, in my dream, it was the next day and I was laying in my bed with my very large baby.  I realized that I had no idea how much it weighed because we didn't have a scale to weigh it on.  I was guessing this baby weighed about 18 pounds.  I was trying to get used to this baby who felt like a stranger to me and I realized that it had my coloring.  It even had freckles.  (none of my kids have my coloring which is very fair and freckled, not to mention bright pink when exposed to the sun.  My kids all brown up nicely in the sun, but none are quite as dark as Dustin who gets so sun-darkened he looks like he could be some another nationality)  Seeing that it had my coloring was a small step toward feeling like it actually was my child, but I was still sad that I didn't get to have a newborn baby.  I also realized that we had the baby 24 hours ago and we hadn't called anyone!  So, I got out of bed to find the phone to call my mom and just then, in real life, Rohan called out to me and I got out of bed to help him with something.  I was still looking for the phone to call my mom after I was really out of bed and it took me a good thirty seconds to realize that it was all a dream.  I was actually still pregnant.  I was going to get a newborn out of this deal after all, and I would get the chance to love it from that newborn-mother connection point rather than that strange baby that looked like it was 8 months old.  My baby would weigh somewhere in a normal, I'm guessing, 7 pound range rather than an 18 pounder who already had freckles, teeth and the ability to sit up on it's own!  I was so relieved!

I tell that story because, in all honesty, I've been very nervous about this baby... in all aspects.  I've been nervous about the birth.  I've been anxious about the change my lifestyle is about to take.  I've been in a state of constant disassociation with the whole thing like it's not really real.  Like it's someone else's life that's about to change, not mine.  Even with my very large belly and very awkward body, I have continued to feel a sense of denial that this is actually happening to me... and soon.  VERY soon at this point! 

However, this dream was reassuring to me somehow.  When I realized it was just a dream and that I would get my sweet, tiny little newborn rather than that big baby that didn't feel like my own, I was SO relieved!  And I was excited!  Excited to see what it would really look like.  Would it really be a boy or would it be what Dustin has been so sure of all along, a girl?   I was happy that I would be able to experience the birth and wonder of this brand new resident of Planet Earth!  I couldn't stop thinking of that baby in my dream, but I didn't want to think of it anymore.  I just wanted to see my own baby!   I wanted to see that newborn one whom I will fall in love with... when we are both covered in all the stuff of birth that goes completely unnoticed in that magical moment of connection of mother and child.  With those thoughts, I felt a thrill that I have not felt, except perhaps vaguely, in the last 9 months.  


I think today I finally feel ready.  Maybe that's what my "due date" was for this time around.  It was the scheduled date for this reality to find it's way into my heart and become something tangible and exciting for me, rather than a nebulous, anxiety riddled unknown in my life.  And it's really interesting to me that I can write this and express it now.  I haven't wanted to write anything!  And here it is... cohesive thoughts forming and flowing and wanting to find their release.  

Dustin is on his way home right now from working out of town, and I feel like I can do this now.  Dustin will be home. (having him gone so close to this date has made for several anxious days)  I can cope with natural childbirth one last time, with my sweetheart's incredible help and his strength and power to lean on.  I can have this baby come into my life with complete joy, excitement and acceptance rather than the reserve, fear and denial I've been experiencing off and on up to this point.  Of course there will still be an adjustment period.  Of course!  There always is.  A whole new element is being added to the dynamic of our family and that takes adjustments on all levels and for all of us involved, but I feel a thrill at the thought of it, rather than the skewed sense of fear I've been experiencing. 


And I might, just might, even miss this body when it's all over.  Dustin keeps reminding me that... to enjoy this for this last time.  Enjoy those internal kicks and thumps... the continual reminders of the miracle occurring within me.  He also watches me and tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how he loves my round belly, and how I am the embodiment of feminine power.  (Golly, I love that man of mine.)  I will try to enjoy this complete expression of feminism for however long I have left, despite any pain and awkwardness I feel.

Thank you, Due Date for this gift, and thank you to the unknown baby of my dream who allowed for this expression and excitement to find it's way into the dark fear-places of my heart and bring light. 


And for posterity... some photos of the belly.  These were taken two weeks ago.

This is my "I feel like a retard standing here smiling for the camera" face! 

For this picture Dustin climbed onto the arm of our couch for an 'arial' view... 

hence my look of "what the heck are you doing?"

Happy Friday everyone, and Happy Happy Due Date, me!  ☺

Friday's Fabulous Five

1- Ella asked today, "Where is that rug we have that has roads on it?" I told her. This is one of those rugs that has a whole little town on it complete with a church, hospital, school, police station, etc. It's been put up for about a year since we started remodeling their rooms last August. Frankly I had quite forgotten about it. Ella got it out and, after doing chores, all three kids got all the cars we have, divvied them up and have been playing for a good long while now. I love hearing and observing them using their little imaginations and playing. It is my very very favorite part of being a mother and I wish I still thought playing like that myself was fun.

2- Dustin and I officially scrubbed the last wall yesterday in our duplex. There's still some things to do, but they don't involve cleaning anymore. Well, not really. We had a bit of water damage last winter in a closet from some ice dams on the roof so my dad (bless him a thousand times for his skills) is going to come patch the ceiling and then I have to paint some Kilz on the mold that grew here and there. Then, I will have to repaint the whole closet, which of course is a walk-in closet that is a putrid gray color. But... I don't have to clean anything else. No more gum, no more stuck-on food, no more grease, no more pee in bathrooms! It took seven days of cleaning, but we are done. YAY!

3- I had a really weird dream last night. I had to climb on this mountain to get into this cave and I had to hang on to these staple-ish things that were put into the mountain. The problem was I had to hang upside down and backwards and all sorts of awful contourtions and the staples kept sliding out. I was terrified. I was so glad to wake up in my bed. Beds are so nice to be in when you thought you were on a giant mountain with a 100+ foot drop below you and the staples you were holding keep falling out.

4- Frosted Mini Wheats. Yum.

5- I am looking forward to wearing clothes that are NOT my paint/work clothes. I've worn the same pair of pants since last Wednesday... my cleaning pants. They are not cute and I don't like them. But I don't care if they get dirty so that's why I keep wearing them. But, I'll be glad to wear something else.