Friday, February 22, 2013


Tonight I feel my own humanity hurtling toward me like a freight train.

Tonight I wrestle myself... the unworthy, keep-myself-hidden, stay-small part of myself vs. the expanding, show-who-I-really-am, brilliant part of myself.  A knock-down, drag-out brawl happening in the confines of my head.

Tonight, the Stay-Small part is winning.  Brilliant is on the mat and Stay-Small is standing over it, screaming like an abusive drunk with greasy hair, sweat-stains on his grimy undershirt and spittle flying from his putrefying mouth. Stay-small tells me that I don't have anything important to say and that no one wants to hear me anyway.

I used to post whatever the hell I wanted on this blog and if was too scary or too personal, I would write it in a poem.  And now, I am scared to write anything that means anything.  And this means anything, in case you were wondering.

The tornado that has lived inside my body for the past several years feels like it's mostly emerged and I now walk through it daily rather than have it dwell inside me.  I'm not positive that my situation has improved, but it feels like progress, so I'm calling it that.

But tonight, I felt like I swallowed the tornado whole and it's ripping through me, taking my voice, my breath, my brilliance.


I don't really have anything more to say except that hitting that publish button up there is the most terrifying thing I've done in a long time.

Here's to living beyond my fear.



Rachel Chick said...

You can do it, Clancy! And if it didn't matter to anyone but YOU, that would be enough. And it DOES matter to you. - and it matters to me too. And regardless of lying on the mat, you are still brilliant. That's not something that can be squashed or subdued. For Clancy, it will always emerge victorious. I love you, lady. You've got a whole cheering section you don't even know is there.

lynsey said...

in the immortal words of my beautiful and courageous and sparkly-winged friend clancy:


it has begun. you can do this.

"speak the truth, even if your voice shakes."

sending you love and sunshine from arizona.

Kristin said...

You have an amazing way with words. You have a way to say things in a way that touch our souls, make us laugh, and truly connect with ourselves and each other. Don't let the stay-small part of you win. It needs to stay small and disappear because you are amazing and it is wrong. I understand the fear. I feel it too that is why my blog is private. But you are loved beyond description. There is nothing to fear. Step forward with faith. Faith that we're here, we're listening, and we love you, flaws and strengths and all! <3

Travis Cody said...

Writing the words that express the feelings is cathartic. Don't be afraid of it. Your audience never needs to know whether a poem or a prose post is autobiographical.

Just write what is in you to write. The best thing about poetry is that readers will take the meaning from it that speaks to them. I don't think I've ever read a poem where my first thought was about what the prompted the author to write it. Typically my impressions form from the way the words impact me.

I find that reading a poem is a selfish experience. So write and hit the publish button without fear. And don't judge me too harshly if I selfishly interpret it for myself.

BTW - Those first three paragraphs of your post are full of wonderful imagery.

Darrell said...

I suspect all of us feel this way at times. But sometimes when the turd thrower throws faster than we think we have speed to keep up, that is when you have to break out the ninja chipmunk within. Believe me it's in there. You have the strength and the power. You are only beat if you give up. I know your tough!