Thursday, January 27, 2011

Just Say No

Sometimes, in my moments of mothering, I wish I could forge a campaign against an issue that would be completely moot.  Really there’s nothing to be done but deal with them, but those little things like bedwetting and nighttime vomit cleanup details... can we put a stop to that? 

Or could we, perhaps, create a committee that would rally for the cause of ending sibling bickering?  Who wants to be the committee chairperson? 

Today, I’d like to wage a useless war on Stealth Pooping.  You know the kind…

You’ve been mildly puttering around doing all the house things that need doing (laundry, dishes, reading, blogging), and your cute little 10 month old baby is puttering around doing all the little baby things that need doing (carrying her baby doll by the arm, digging in the dirt of Daddy’s bonsai plant [AGAIN!], making the cutest jabber-sounds known to mankind… you know, all those important baby things).  Your baby starts to get fussy.  You pick her up.  You feed her a little food.  You give her a little toy.  You just changed her diaper 15 minutes ago, so you don’t even think of checking that out. 

Time goes by.

Baby is ok, but not content.  She wants you to hold her a LOT.  You are a loving mother, so you comply.  You rock her and sing her a song.  You might even get her to go to sleep. 

More time goes by. 

Baby is acting fairly normal, but suddenly breaks down.  She fusses and acts uncomfortable.  It’s been a while since you changed her little diaper, so you do the diaper yank.  (you know that one too, I am sure.)  Then you see it.

THE STEALTH POOP. 

You have no idea when it happened.  No olfactory indicator was given.  You go to change the diaper and realize that this mess has been here a while.  Suddenly, all those sounds of discontent from your little darling take on a different meaning.

You croon, “Oh, baby-girl!  I’m so sorry!  How long has this been here?”  You ask the question knowing you’ll get no answer from your yet-wordless little one.

Baby starts howling and screaming as you try to clean up the mess that is, clearly, not fresh and thus not easily removed with your trusty box of wipes.  A battle ensues involving short, kicking legs, wet-wipes, soothing words (soothing the mommy much more than the baby), and vain attempts to keep the baby’s shoulders both on the ground at the same time.  

Somehow, a champion emerges.  You, the mother, are the victor, successfully slathering a little raw bum with ointments, creams or powders.

Everyone is relieved and baby toddles off, continuing her bold quest of melting hearts by shooting rays of delightfulness and adorability from her toes, eyeballs, mouth, ears, knees, nose, fingers and heart.

The end. 

Right?

Wrong.  What you are forgetting is just how stealthy Stealth Poop can be.  It’s a sly one.  It could be ten minutes, or it could be an hour. If you’re not careful, Stealth Poop will hold you in a vicious cycle of sneaky messes, wrestling matches and raw bums that could last for days or weeks.  And that’s where my campaign comes in. 

M.A.S.P.

Mothers Against Stealth Pooping. 

The design is rudimentary, but I’m thinking it’s going to make some powerfully impactful bumper stickers:

no stealth pooping

I’ll be passing out flyers on diaper isles in a grocery store near you.

4 comments:

stevie kay said...

Unfortunately I cannot join your campaign this time around. There is nothing stealthy about my sweet little one's poop- you can probably smell it clear to your house every time she goes. But I will join the anti-vomit cleanup league today! Send me a brochure please.

Rachel Chick said...

:) You know me, I'd never sign up to be the chairperson, but I can promise that at our first meeting, I'll be the one who has so much to say, she'll probably get nominated anyway. :)

I HATE wrestling for the poop.

Travis Cody said...

As a guy with no kids, and no desire to have them, all I can contribute to your campaign is this...ICK.

Ginny said...

hence the reason all parental units reading this are acutely familiar with the diaper yank. because, for every 10 times we yank only to see a cute crack without any mess, there is that one stealth poop that warrants our repetitive action.