I was thinking about you this morning while I was in the shower. I thought of the wonder of your existence. Seven months ago I didn't know who you were. Seven months ago I didn't know your name, or even that you were a girl. Seven months ago I was scared for you to enter this world, both the physiological entrance and the entrance into our family dynamic. Seven months ago was not very long ago, and yet... a lifetime.
I hope that when you read this someday that you don't feel sad for my fears. Perhaps you'll understand when you become a mom someday. I was just scared to change. Scared to shake up the status quo. But you, persistent little thing that you are, demanded entrance into this world and our family. You whispered in my ear when I was in labor with your brother Rohan. I felt you there waiting. You peeked around the corners of your daddy's mind and showed yourself to him too. You, in your patient way, stuck your foot in the door and waited for me to have the strength to open it. And look at you! Look at the miracle of you, my precious little darling.
Brynja Leigh, you amaze me. You delight me. You melt and remold me. There are moments when I am frustrated because you love to be held so very much and that is not always conducive to everyday living, but the magic of being the fourth child over a ten-year span is that I get it. I truly understand that this time does fly by. These moments are gone so fast, and so I've found that I can't be bothered with caving to those feelings of frustration that come when you want only me, or when you wake up for the third, fourth, or fifth time at night. I can be patient. I know you'll sleep eventually. If Mac could do it, I know you will too. I also know that there will come a time that you won't want me to hold you all the time. You'll want to run and play and leave me watching your growing self from a distance. A distance that will only widen with time. And so, I am here for you now, my baby Brynja. My mommy muscles can hold you all day if you need it, which right now you frequently do.
Even looking at your written name, I see the wonder of you. Your name, Miss Brynja, is a story. I was so torn over your name. I didn't know what to call you. As I sat in the hospital and stared at your perfect lips and your sweet round face, I asked you over and over what your name was. I had a name that I wanted and loved, but I was unsettled about it. I tried several options on you and I was almost sick with my indecision so, I enlisted divine help. I prayed. Your daddy and I held hands and asked God to help us know your name.
You see, there is power in a name, my Little Love and we knew that you brought a power of your own into this world. The mere fact that you made it here, past my fear and mental blocks and unscathed from your somewhat traumatic birth, speaks of your power. And God blessed us with an answer in Brynja Leigh. As I wrote it on your birth certificate information page, the rightness of your name settled on me like a blanket. I held onto that feeling over the next few months. I found myself doubting, and, truth be told, mourning the other name that I so loved. I don't remember the date, but I'll never forget the day that doubt left me. I knew that your were growing into your powerful name. You see, my Sweet, your name is from the Old Norse language and it means "Shielding or Armor". I don't know what it is that you will do in this life to need a name such as this, but it is yours. And the spelling... I hope you aren't overly troubled by it in your life, but I love it. Every time I see it written, I find that my eyes caress it. The letters have a flow and a form that satisfies some deeper part of my soul. I hope you like it as much as I do.
Little Miss B, you are a joy. Your brothers and sister cannot get enough of you. Ella wants to hold you so much everyday. Mac likes to call you "Dee-Doh Baby" and I have no idea what that means, but you laugh when he says it in his very silly, squeaky way. When Rohan talks to you, you light up in a manner that only Rohan can achieve. You love your siblings as much as they love you.
You are a momma's girl to the MAX. You love on your daddy too, but mommy is the magic right now. Daddy loves to come home from work and hold you while I make dinner. Sometimes you are thrilled with this arrangement, other times... not so much. I'm sure, as time goes on, that you will become a little daddy's girl, so I'll just enjoy this while it lasts!
Some noteworthy info and accomplishments:
- Rolling over, back to front and front to back. You are choosy about this and sometimes you still love to just lie on your back and kick your legs like you did when you were just a few months old.
- Sitting up. This has been in the works for a couple months, but you've recently achieved "master" status with this skill. You look extra cute and extra little sitting there on a large floor.
- Blowing raspberries. This is a talent you have just developed and it elicits endless peals of laughter from your adoring siblings.
- Standing unaided for 3-5 seconds. I have to keep my hands right there but I think you've got some fantabulous balance in the works!
- You do this adorable little "gavel" thing. You pat your little hand on everything and your brother Mac says, upon seeing it, "Order in the court!". It's one of my very favorite things you do.
- You have gotten much better about being in the car, so long as it's Mom driving. I think it's because you know that I can't do anything to help you except crank my arm backward to hold your binky in and touch your face. If Dad is driving, you know that I'm available. I'm not gonna lie, Brynja... you abuse that knowledge a little bit. :-)
- You scoot around in your little walker and explore things. And you "gavel" everything in sight. You're so cute.
- You will NOT eat anything but breast milk. You have some hypersensitive gag reflex going on. Anytime I try to introduce any food to you, you severely gag on it and sometimes even throw up. Not so cool, Baby B. Let's work on that, okay?
- You LOVE to pull Daddy's chest, arm and leg hair. Dad doesn't love it so much though.
- You lay on your tummy and spin in circles and will even scoot backwards, but no signs of crawling yet. But don't worry, none of your siblings really "got" that either and look how amazing they are! :-)
- You do this smile sometimes and it turns my heart to jelly. You look like you're clenching your teeth, but you don't have any teeth, so it's just you clenching your little gums. OH. MY. GOSH. It's the cutest, funniest thing EVER. Kid, you crack me up.
- You love LOVE your Grandma Nene's glasses chain that hangs around her neck. You're drawn to it like a fly to honey and you're amazingly gentle when you get a hold of her glasses.
There's many more things, I'm sure, to write and I will try a little more valiantly to record these fleeting and priceless moments, my darling.
And look how cute you are!!
Please know, my Baby Brynja, that you are my whole world right now and I love it. Thank you for getting yourself here and bringing your sweet, peaceful soul to our family.