Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Free Tip

When you see a woman who is mere weeks away from her "due date", please refrain from asking "How are you feeling?" unless you really want to know...

She's feeling as big as a house.  She can't breathe.  She can't bend over and pick things up.  She can't run to save her life.  She hates all her clothes and wants to burn them.  She's exhausted, but sleeping is misery.  She misses her skinny ankles.  She waddles and doesn't like it.  She has ligament pain almost constantly.  She hates washing dishes because she can't reach the water stream without twisiting or bending.  She gets tired of the "bladder dance" going on inside her and the contractions that regularly accompany the dance. She can't get off the couch without either a helping hand or ridiculous body contortions and grunting.  She can't sleep on her back and, when she has to switch from one side to the other, she can't help but think of beached whales.  She wakes up completely when she does have to roll over for all the effort involved.  She has heartburn as she lays in bed and sometimes wakes up from a dead sleep to find herself choking on bile.  She has olfactory senses that are so acute that they pick up every strange scent in the vicinity, which is not necessarily to her benefit.  She has no lap for her four year old to sit on.  She has labor to look forward to...

 I could go on and on.

Get it?  Just ask a normal question like, "How are you?"  Then she can smile and say, "Fine" or "As good as can be expected", and she won't feel like punching you in the face...


-This free tip was brought to you by The Very Pregnant Women for a Less Aggravating World Coalition

7 comments:

Erin said...

Ha Ha. Don't miss that! They know what causes that nonsense you know. It's when you haven't forgotten at all how not fun it is when you are done having kids! Take care!

Rachel Chick said...

LOL! You make me laugh so much! You took the words right out of my . . . fingertips. :)

Ginny said...

loved the last line in particular!

Mags said...

Thank you very much for that tip!! I'd be the dope to actually ask that question too. :)

(Not much longer now sweet Clancy)

Dimick's said...

Thanks for the impending reminder. You should have written this a few months ago, things would be a little different for me. I am a turkey, but I had just found out when you asked me at Katie’s Christmas party, and that was too soon to share. Seriously though, how are you?...hehe (Don't punch me) ;)

Clancy Pants said...

Marci... 'How are you' is a safe question! I am fine, all things considering! :)

It's 'How are you feeling' that is punch worthy!

Recessionista said...

So I guess you're not feeling that great eh? And you can just try to punch me:) Sorry...couldn't resist!