Wednesday, October 7, 2009

________________ (fill in the blank...)

Two weeks.

Two weeks since my last blog post.


Today I've been crying. Deep, bottom-of-my-toes kind of crying. Maybe it's the hormones raging through my body. Maybe it's the seasons changing. Maybe it's the crushing weight of being a responsible adult. The reason behind the tears is vague. Unclear. Hard to define.

As I cried I thought of four-thousand and twenty-two things I wanted to express all over my blog. Philosophical questions to be asked, cryptic poems to write, anguish to smash all over my computer screen. But once I sat down at my computer, the finger-brain connection would not allow me to type anything. All the deep-seeded emotional trash that went flying through the motion-picture projector of my mind scurried away and re-buried itself in the recesses. Well, likely some of it was actually expunged from my body with all that crying. Maybe it just left in such a hurry that I can't even remember it now. I don't know. Maybe this baby in my body sucks ALL the memory from me. All of it. Could be.

Well, whatever.

Screw you, Emotional Trash! If you don't want to work things out via a blogging-release, you can just stay there in time-out until you're ready to be nice.

On a completely unrelated and random note, I have been reading a series of fantasy books lately. When the main character triggers his gift (he's a wizard and didn't know it) he suddenly has a few peculiar eating habits, including a sudden aversion to meat.

In the last couple weeks, I have had a fairly strong aversion to meat. Maybe I'm a wizard and didn't realize it. But I suppose in my case I would be a sorceress, seeing how I'm female and all...

Or, maybe I'm just pregnant.

12 comments:

Emilee said...

Sorry lady. Wish I had a meatless treat and a hug for you. Hang in there on that crazy prego ride! LOve you...

Kristin said...

Maybe. Probably! I'd bet on it!

Ginny said...

ugh. i'm glad you got some tearful release, i'm sorry you didn't get your blogful release (for me, as much as for you ;-)), and i wish you the best as you move forward, expunged completely or not.

love you, girl!

Mags said...

You mean you didn't already know you're a sorceress? I knew it the minute I "met" you. ;)

I'd say feel better, but I know that's easier said than done. Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers and that things will get better.

And yeah-being a responsible adult does suck monkey balls sometimes, doesn't it?

Maria Hart said...

As my mom likes to say, "Life's a b*!$%." Sometimes that is the only explanation worth beans. I recommend the Vegetarian Salad from Babe's Bakery followed up with a piece of their Lemon Pie, a movie night with Jane Austen, and a phone call... to chat and while away an hour or so. Oh, and at times like this, I like Linkin Park's "What I've Done," nice and loud.

Rachel Chick said...

Ah Clanc. Some days are definitely like that. A couple of days ago, I had one. I've found that although I'm not entirely the blogger I once was, starting with just simple goings-on helped me to break through a little of the mental and emotional block that I was feeling from blogging. Why don't you call me on those kind of days? You can send your kids over to my house to play and allow you to have a good cry all by yourself, get lost in a book, or you can just banish yourself over to my house and hang out with me while I _________ (fill in the blank) or just sit and cry together. I'd love to be your escape for a while.

Dimick's said...

Hey lady,
I was wondering where you had been for a while. I'm sorry about the hormone inversion-sometimes its just too much. Then suddenly there's a baby & good stuff follows! I love you

Travis said...

Maybe all you needed was a really good cry.

Genene said...

At least you blogged a little about it dear one. That in itself is cathartic, not to mention the catharsis of crying, deep crying. All I can say after reading this blog post is "Enjoy the ride!" cuz life's a frickin roller coaster & they don't stop it to let you off if you get tired of it or get scared!! I know cuz I've asked many times & they just don't stop the ride. Reminds me of a time as a teenager.... Brony & I were at the "Rodeo Rides" out by the Astrodome (the rodeo was in town) and we chose to ride a seemingly nondescript Ferris wheel type thing that had a semi enclosed "car" that spun round & round on it's little axis while the Ferris wheel went round & round on it's own axis..... It was fun to scream for a minute & sort of enjoy the scare & stomach churning upside down-ness, until my little tiny velvet purse dumped upside down, the flap opened under gravity's pull & all my little belongings fell out, including money (what little I had). A little glass bottle of alcohol for tending my newly pierced ears fell out & broke in the little car while we continued to tumble and turn. I remember so clearly the view.... blood rushing to my head, filling my face with pressure..... seeing my little bottle smash on the roof of the car and Brony & I were both screaming for release by this time! STOP!!!! STOP THE RIDE!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH, HUH HUH HUH, STOOOOOOOOPPPP!!!! PLEASE STOOOOOOPPP!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE STOOOOPPPP!! STOP THE RIIIIDDE!! And lo & behold, the ride finally stopped about 23 hours later. Even though we were strapped in or "barred" in with that comfy bar across our hips, we felt as if we'd been in a rock tumbler for the requisite 5 or 6 day tumble to get smoothed out and come out pretty. I felt like I would throw up, I wanted to throw up. Indeed, I NEEDED to throw up. Brony & I were both crying & miserable when we walked away from there. I was poorer & my precious little alcohol bottle was smashed to smithereens. I felt such conflicting emotions! I really felt like I'd been tricked into getting on that fun, fairly innocuous looking "Ferris wheel"that turned out to be of the devil. Nobody told me how it would really be, nobody knew it would be such a miserable thing for me (or Brony). I had no idea what to expect except that I expected FUN! I didn't get fun out of that one however.... I was nauseated the rest of the evening & didn't have much fun on anything else either. Plus, some goobery boy kept wanting to take me on rides, buy my tickets & then have me sit by him!

Thankfully, the day came & went. I got to sleep that night & when I woke up the next day it was nothing but a memory, unpleasant, but a memory.

OK, I know there's gotta be a metaphor in there somewhere. I just had the experience flash into my mind & I was gonna tell you a funny story about my teen years but it doesn't feel that way anymore. It feels like I was teaching a metaphor for life. Yeah, dats it! I'm a teacha! So, Enjoy the ride as best you can dear heart! I've had lots of fun on lots of rides since that day and life always has it's ups & downs, just like the carnival rides. I'm trying to choose wisely which ride I get on now ;-) and hopefully some of my life experience comes into play for my choosing and helps me make better choices. There is always a tear & a smile, the silver lining to every thundercloud, the light & the dark, good & bad.

Thanks for letting me ramble "Gathering Clancy"!

♥♥♥

triplej said...

Wow...the ride analogy and the choosing which ride to get on was really important to me this day. Thanks for sharing that Genene! I swear if we knew what cards we were going to be handed or if we knew what the ride would entail before we got on, we would have said, "Uh...No thanks! But so and so could probably deal with that!" I know that life does not come easy and if it does we are making wrong choices or are truly blessed. My heart goes out to you. I know the deep soul searching cries very well lately and I don't know if I feel better right after the cry, but I do know it is better not to keep it bottled up! Can't wait to see you guys!

Polly said...

Bottom of your toes crying is cleansing for your whole body.

Still...sorry.

Hugs from TX!

XO♥

Polly said...

haha...I just read the other comments...

LOL @ 23 hrs later. It does so feel like that when in the midst of a ferris wheel ride, or a sickness, or a never-gonna-end-problem. I've had colds where I would swear I'd been sick for at least 2 weeks, when really, counting back, it's only been two days.

Still, perspective is hard to gain while in the middle; that's why we need friends and family around who can be there to blog to, or cry on, or just hold the stop watch to keep it all under control.