But you know what I found out? Life goes on. Even when I don't do a blog post. Amazing.
Procrastination is something that drifts in and out of my life. It's like mold spores that float along in the air, lighting upon my to do list and spoiling it. That is, the to do list in my mind... I don't keep a hard copy. Perhaps that's my problem. Alas, that's a thought for another day.
I hold the shame of my moldy list like a hand of poker. My face is straight. I give nothing away, most days. There are occasions like today where I just want to throw my cards down, reckless and liberated. Calling my own bluff and betting anyway. I might lose, but I have a wild hair and decide that it doesn't matter. Win or lose, I'm laying it down. Showing my crappy hand.
At the very end of October, I told someone I would do something for them. It was not really a big deal. Transcribing some CDs. Doesn't sound hard. I was even getting paid for my efforts. I did the first one in November. It was slower than it seemed it should be and I didn't like it. Five CDs to go and they sat on my computer. November passed. December. January. Nearly February now and this man is wondering if I'm ever going to get them done. And so am I.
Last night, I stayed up late typing my little brains out. One more CD done. I'm in a groove now, but why did it take me 3 months to get in my groove? I am not sure where I'm going with this... I do know that my angst over moldy spore damage could be the death of me. It turns my shoulders to cables and my stomach to rocks.
For a long time now, I've been wondering what it is that procrastination does for me. What part of me actually needs it? How I can let it go? I don't know that I have any answers. Some days are better than others and I try to look at what's different on those better days. Nike and President Kimball come to mind. Just. Do. It. Yep. Sounds so easy and it is on some days. But on those not-better-than-others days, my heart is like an internal battleground and my body that should "just do it" is the POW. I get stuck. I'm the girl with concrete shoes and I can't find the chisel.
Regardless, I keep trying. Even as I type that last sentence, I hear Yoda in my head. "Do or do not. There is no try." Sorry Yoda. You can go back to the Dagobah System and live in your swamp. If there is no try then I'm screwed. I'd go for "Do Not" every time. I like trying. Try is mine and I'm keepin' it!