Tuesday, January 27, 2009

"It Goes On" accompanied by Procrastination

I thought and thought about yesterday's Manic Monday. The word was snow. Snow? Honestly? Haven't we seen quite enough snow? Could we pick a word like flower or green or tulip? Or perhaps 'degrees'? Then I could enumerate the many wonders of 75 [degrees] and my acute anxiousness for a LACK of snow. I suppose I could have written all of this yesterday, but I just couldn't manage it.

But you know what I found out? Life goes on. Even when I don't do a blog post. Amazing.


Procrastination is something that drifts in and out of my life. It's like mold spores that float along in the air, lighting upon my to do list and spoiling it. That is, the to do list in my mind... I don't keep a hard copy. Perhaps that's my problem. Alas, that's a thought for another day.

I hold the shame of my moldy list like a hand of poker. My face is straight. I give nothing away, most days. There are occasions like today where I just want to throw my cards down, reckless and liberated. Calling my own bluff and betting anyway. I might lose, but I have a wild hair and decide that it doesn't matter. Win or lose, I'm laying it down. Showing my crappy hand.

At the very end of October, I told someone I would do something for them. It was not really a big deal. Transcribing some CDs. Doesn't sound hard. I was even getting paid for my efforts. I did the first one in November. It was slower than it seemed it should be and I didn't like it. Five CDs to go and they sat on my computer. November passed. December. January. Nearly February now and this man is wondering if I'm ever going to get them done. And so am I.

Last night, I stayed up late typing my little brains out. One more CD done. I'm in a groove now, but why did it take me 3 months to get in my groove? I am not sure where I'm going with this... I do know that my angst over moldy spore damage could be the death of me. It turns my shoulders to cables and my stomach to rocks.

For a long time now, I've been wondering what it is that procrastination does for me. What part of me actually needs it? How I can let it go? I don't know that I have any answers. Some days are better than others and I try to look at what's different on those better days. Nike and President Kimball come to mind. Just. Do. It. Yep. Sounds so easy and it is on some days. But on those not-better-than-others days, my heart is like an internal battleground and my body that should "just do it" is the POW. I get stuck. I'm the girl with concrete shoes and I can't find the chisel.

Regardless, I keep trying. Even as I type that last sentence, I hear Yoda in my head. "Do or do not. There is no try." Sorry Yoda. You can go back to the Dagobah System and live in your swamp. If there is no try then I'm screwed. I'd go for "Do Not" every time. I like trying. Try is mine and I'm keepin' it!


Holly said...

I don't know if I've ever read or heard the words 'Nike' and 'President Kimball' in the same sentence before. I'm impressed! As for getting rid of procrastination, I'll tell you what I do. I just wait and hope it goes away on its own. Hmm, come to think of it, that hasn't work so well for me. Like trying, I hope intentions count for something, because mine are always great.

beth said...

I also have wondered why I hold on to procrastination. The only way I have found that it serves me is so I feel in control. I am choosing to not do, and the consequence? Nothing gets done.
But when I'm not procrastinating I choose that too. And I love the consequences of that but I can't control ALL the consequences that go along with moving forward and progress and process. I revert to procrastination when I fear the process even if it's leading me in a good direction. I rely on procrastination like a cozy blanket, all secure and familiar but really it's a lack of faith on my part. It's a lack of willingness to let go of control. I know the Lord knows what is best for me but I so often lack the faith and courage to lay it all out there. To place ALL in His Hands.
Thanks for the post. I've never thought that out before- into sentences anyway.
Is that Holly from Wasatch?

Clancy In Idaho said...

Beth- It's totally Holly from Wasatch! And Connie leaves comments occasionally too! There's a whole collection of Wasatch-ites in my Google Reader! Andrea, Corrine, Jenny S, Katie S. It's so fun!

Rachel Chick said...

I know how you feel! I have the same war within me every day. It's sad. I've found one thing that seems to help is getting addicted to having it done! :) But it takes a whole bunch of "just doing it" to get to that point --- and unfortunately, often times my addictions only last a few days, hours, weeks, minutes . . . yeah. We're workin' on it.

Chatty Natty said...

Oh hi friend...so fun to have you here but it might take me 5 years to catch up on all your blog posts... so forgive me if I procrastinate just a bit:) Tis the season eh?

Travis said...

I'm a procrastinator too. Some would say we procrastinate because we work better under pressure. I used to use that excuse too.

But it's just a crock.

I procrastinate because sometimes I get lazy. Others do for their own reasons. I don't think I'll every "get over" it.

Elena said...

Yah, I like to use the term "spinner" for myself. Not because I go to spinning class, oh no. But because I just stand in a room and spin around and around wondering where to go next and which place to start. Spin, spin, spin, and get nothing at all done.

Kristin said...

I love this! I am the same way. I have loads of laundry (especially the baby laundry) sitting in the baskets (and some still in the dryer) that I have been "trying" to get to since Saturday (and the Saturday before that). It's pathetic. I'm not sure why I don't just throw on a movie right now and fold while I watch, but I have a guess. If I threw on a movie, I think I'd rather just enjoy it... enjoy the silence from my kids and the opportunity to relax. Aaaah! I guess I'll just have to keep trying too!

Ginny said...

I'm still working on how I feel about procrastination...but I do know I love reading your writing. also, I am glad to know I'm not the only one that hates mold. loved all the analogies! good luck in the doing!!!

Kristin said...

I just read everyone's comments... Amen! Especially Rachel's... I so LOVE it when I just do it and it really does happen every once in a while. It'll last a little while, but I generally revert to being me. It's sad, but I still have hope that someday that addiction will truly be an addiction!

Anonymous said...

The greatest minds procrastinate. I'm sure of it. Because I procrastinate. Like the English class where the final was a 50-page paper we were supposedly working on for the entire semester. Guess how many pages I wrote the week of finals? Try answering somewhere in the neighborhood of 26. Look! that meant I wrote 24 pages in several months so I didn't have to do them ALL in four days. Good job me.

Polly said...

Sometimes I procrastinate just because I don't want to choose between two good things...or equal things...whatever. Then, I decide that I'd rather choose one than neither, which is what happens if you procrastinate too long.

Genene said...

Procrastination........ wow, what a subject for introspection. I think it's part of my life because of my little inner saboteur, that natural man, that "little ego", that dark side & the harsh inner voice that accompanies all these. I think that in some form or fashion, it's part of the veil that is keeping me from remembering who I am at all times. I think it's one of the things I came here to work on. I also think that part of the deal with procrastination is that I keep setting myself up cuz when I procrastinate I validate any unconscious feelings I have about my "unworthiness" etc., and that only happens because I have a "judgment" about myself. (Judge not....)

OK well, it's early for my mind to be tracking too long on a subject such as this. I've got some procrastinating to get to. Oh, wait, I AM procrastinating! HA! Awright!!! Dats it!! I'm outta heeya!

Love you

Connie said...

I procrastinate writing my Manic Monday posts too. I haven't even done one in a couple of weeks and then I feel guilty for not doing one, as if someone's counting on that post, as if I've let someone down. So now I've decided that I will do a Manic Monday post if I want to, and I'm not going to feel guilty about the ones that don't get done.

Good luck figuring out a cure for procrastination. Let me know if you solve that mystery. I could really use some anti-procrastination serum sometimes too.

PS- Hi Beth!

bv said...

Ah, your words are so clarifying. I love reading them as they create such an amazing vision. We need to talk...SOON!

Ashley said...

SO true! Procrastination has plagued me my whole life, and it STILL does! Why do we always think we can get stuff done "later?" I don't know, but seriously I understand what you're saying!