Wednesday, January 28, 2009

From The Jar... #31

One time Kaci mentioned that she wanted to SEE the Jar. Kaci... consider yourself obliged! There's my little Jar that I pull from every Wednesday. Isn't it preshy?

I have to confess. I dug around in the Jar for a while until I found one I actually wanted to write about. I'm giving myself a break though. Seven years, remember? And the Jar says...


What brings you the most peace and why?


I'd have to say writing. And I'd also have to say, I've never really thought about why so I don't know. I used to write in a journal when I was young. Young, like grade school through early high school. Whenever I look back through them I realize I almost never wrote when I was happy. Only when I was sad or upset or angry. I always felt better after I wrote, though and that's what's important, I guess.

When I graduated from high school, my sister Sarah gave me a little notebook with blank, unlined pages. By that time, I had stopped writing in a journal. I moved out of my parent's house 5 days after I graduated and this little book came with me. I don't really remember what happened, but suddenly I started writing poetry. This little book is the home for all my college heartbreak and pain. And a few joys. But mostly my pain.
Front cover. I love the weight and feel of this book. And I love that it has me poured into it's pages.

This is the "Title Page". Which reminds me. I've been wanting to change the name of my blog and I've been having a hard time with what to change it to. I think I've just been inspired.

A poem that I actually wrote while still in high school, but it was on some dumb piece of paper and I wanted to throw it away. So I put it in the book.

I said I never really thought about the why, but that's not entirely true. I just found this that I wrote on May 6, 1997.

~~~~~

I don't have to think so much when I write. I feel weight lifted each time I look at a full page of my swirling script. If I had known such release came with the pen and page, I would be in a different place today.

So, I write more. With no direction. Just as my life right now. Just feeling my heart break over and over with every dial tone or goodbye. I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this. Why did I allow it?

~~~~~


I've just now been thinking that maybe writing allowed me to vent things I don't say. In my thirty year history, I haven't vented out loud very much. I had a tendency to keep the deeper thoughts hidden. I didn't want people to see what was in my heart or that I have needs or pain or anger. And writing has allowed that. I could just write it and not have to have anyone hear it. It was out though, and that felt good. Now I have my blog and I've found that I like writing when I'm happy too. Or pensive, or moody or silly. I just love writing and it's no longer dependent on my mood. Writing definitely brings me the most peace, more than anything on this wide earth, and I am grateful to God for granting me this outlet for soothing my heart.

7 comments:

Kaci said...

Call me out why don't you GEZZZZ!! =>

I love your writing, it brings me a lil peace in the early mornings when I get to work...it's like the calm before the storm. Thank you.

Genene said...

I like your writing too! It's an unfolding for me..... to read your writings. Take today for example. I learn more about you and bits of Clancy keep peeking out of the folds. Nice.

Love you

Polly said...

It's very nice to see you get to know you through your writing too!

beth said...

I love the way you write. And thanks for the healing that you helped me with so my journal is no longer just used on the angry, sad, frustrated days. Your writing and your feelings and the way you share them have blessed my life as I move forward.
THankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

Elena said...

Hey, your page from the notebook was written on my 19th birthday. Cool. Boy that brings me to a flood of memories. Jarom was just getting ready to leave on his mission and an ex had just returned and, and, and. So fun to remember what I was doing that day so many years ago.

bv said...

OH MY GOODNESS! I love that little journal! I have been able to see it clearly in my minds eye for years now and it brings me back to the two of us sitting on the floor in your room at 1400 North in Logan. Oh how I love you and your exceptional and oh so beautiful talent...I have always loved the way you put words together. xoxo

lynsey said...

hi there,

i don't really know you but have been a good friend of rachel chick's for a long time now. every now & then i sneak over to your blog because i love your writing!

i love to write also, and feel that like you...i tend to keep most of my deeper emotions inside. writing helps me to release those & express a side of myself that is normally locked in the vault.

you put in words how i feel about writing & i just wanted to tell you that i think you're great!

-lynsey
www.benseyleb.blogspot.com